Single at 34!

With this blog post, I am trying to break my writers block after almost a year and a divorce. I am writing this as I sit in a hotel room alone with a beer and a room that matches my aesthetic senses.

My straight first thought - was my divorce empowering? Do I get to build a house, where I drink beer at 1 Noon, watch Romedy Now, eat a loaded Pizza, and write my blog without being judged, without the fear of what’s to be cooked for lunch and will it be appreciated? I started to make a list of things I have not been doing while I was living with a large family. My list starts with 1) See more countries, actually live in some which my education and job allows, 2) Finish my reading list, 3) Start mindfulness practices, 4) Google background scores from the series I watch and discover tracks that a Vh1 doesn’t play (my last one being ‘Fire for You, Cannons, Never Have I Ever!) . I am not saying I never got the time to do things for myself in the marriage, but there was always a negotiation on common interests and getting rid of the uncommon ones. There was always a conversation on whether a task is productive enough for the whole family. There were added responsibilities, and my nature to be a people pleaser took away me from me.

I wonder if there are perils to be alone though. Will I run out of things to do alone? Will I feel lonely? Will I need the company for the activities I want to do? How will I find people?

I get anxious planning for future in anticipation of what if I feel lonely. The fear takes away my ability to enjoy my present. I am not an expert at broken relationships but on most days I console myself by remembering my past breakups. Well they weren’t a marriage, but it helps to know that I have had the courage in the past to get through a broken heart and more often than not multiplied my accomplishments in my single phases. I reflected on my journal, I did learn the most when I was single whether it was coding, finishing my first book, my first blog etc.

Learning:

If there is one thing that I do want to remember as a learning at this hour is: don’t change so much that you lose you, the compromises never make a relationship strong in the long run.